Vivication

 Four years have passed since I regularly wrote here.  I've almost completely neglected this blog during that time.  All of that is about to change.

 Many, many things have transpired over the last four years in my life, but I started writing again because I'm about to begin a new chapter in my life.  Emerging from a long hibernation, starting over, rebooting, whatever. Pick your tired, cliched metaphor and run with it. I'm back, I'm alive and I'm writing about it all again.

 Some readers may know (are there any readers left here?) that I'm emerging from a long, isolated and difficult depression. Some of you may already know of my plans and intentions.  But most of you will not.  Several friends have inspired me to start writing again, and that's exactly what I'll do.

 In December, I'm leaving my job here in Korea and starting a new life on the road.  I'm currently planning an ambitious year-long 'round-the-world' trip.

 The plan is simple and elegant.  When my contract finishes, I will depart Korea and travel overland, from Vietnam to Spain and then to the United States.  I will pass through 20-30 different countries.

 I know this blog has long been neglected, but if you're still interested in reading, I will be updating regularly again, writing about anything and everything that happens.

 I want to offer a special thanks to the many people who have been such wonderful friends and put up with me and my problems for so long. I'm coming to realize I haven't always been the wonderful friend and companion you all so richly deserve.

Big Changes

Before I begin, I should preface this by saying I'll be discussing some thorny, difficult issues with religion, morality, and my understanding of the world. Much of what I'm about to say in this and subsequent notes and blog posts will offend and anger a lot of folks. Folks have already told me off for some of this. So, if difficult, provocative conversations about religion are not your cup of tea, don't say I didn't warn you. Feel free to add any comments you like, so long as you do so in a respectful manner. Feel free to disagree, but unless its constructive, clarifying, helpful and enlightens all of us, I'm not interested. Angry polemics will be deleted.

I've concluded that God probably never existed, and 'god' as a concept is most likely a ficticious creation of our minds, reinforced through religious teaching, indoctrination, predominant cultural assumptions, and our fundamental need to answer the biggest existential questions.

In many cases historically, the gods that people believe in are precisely what one would expect from the cultural, political, and historical climate in which they are expressed. In her bestselling book, "A History of God," religious scholar Karen Armstrong, in immense scope, describes literally hundreds of different conceptual iterations & expressions of God, and how each gave rise to yet another version, and descended from endless other versions dating all the way back to pre-history.

Coming to this conclusion has been a long, difficult, and painful process for me, and I've only begun to make sense of it. I can't find the answers to certain problems on my own, & the Holy Spirit (God (if it exists at all) remains silent on some of these matters. I've found both the Bible and books of faith apologists & their answers to my questions about existence to be unsatisfying, lacking, and at times, downright absurd & strange. As I'm coming to discover, while this has all been very abrupt within the last few months of my life, I'm learning that this process started slowly, during the last 8~10 years (& in some cases, much much earlier).

A lot of things, for a long time, just haven't made much sense to me. For a long time, I've been willing to "trust in the Lord, and lean not on [my] own understanding," but that just isn't satisfactory to me anymore, or sustainable. I've finally reached a point in my life where I realize that my decisions affect my life and others. I also turned 30 last year, and for the first time, health and age are telling me about how much my precious and finite time here matters. I can't waste it any longer praying to a brick wall, rationalizing and defending things in my head that just don't make sense to me anymore. I need good answers, not the canned responses to these sorts of problems I so often get, usually delivered with a slick sales pitch and a dash of brimstone. And even if I had good answers, I need some undeniable connection with the divine, a taste of Karen Armstrong's "sense of sacred transcendence."

Finally, late last year, after a particularly frustrating time personally and interpersonally, I openly entertained the proposition that there may indeed be no God, or alternatively, if there is a God or gods, it or they have chosen to remain hidden. I find these suppositions show greater explanatory power over the world and my perception of it. With this paradigm, there is much more congruence between the experiences & perceptions, & what I know of existence & the universe. It simply makes more sense to me.

Several key issues dominate my deconversion. Frustration with prayer is probably the most significant. I simply can't help but feel or wonder if I've been praying to drywall my whole life. Perhaps I'm not talking to the almighty creator of the universe at all, but simply talking to some deepseated part of myself late at night, a simulation of sorts.

But my problems go far beyond that, ranging in scope from logical problems, moral dilemnas, problems with biblical authorship and historicity of key events alleged by Christians, to experiences I've had while traveling and learning about other cultures. I don't have to apologize for an ostensibly 'perfect' God who demands & needs to be worshipped. Why would anything perfect need worship? Or a loving God who condemns you to hellfire (eternally!) for being skeptical about, or 'rejecting' him, or even being simply mistaken about him. I don't have to explain how millions of people who lived & died prior to Christ (or prior to access to knowledge about Christ) may be condemned to hell.

I don't have to 'trust' God to someday explain why humanity suffers hurricanes, earthquakes or why miscarriages happen to good people. I don't have to explain how millions of people around the world seemingly have honestly powerful spiritual experiences outside the Christian faith. I don't have to make excuses for all of the terrible things Christians do & have done, whether that be the Crusades into Palestine 100s of years ago or the current child-sex scandal consuming the Catholic Church, or bombings of abortion clinics. Why would the almighty creator of 400 billion galaxies with 400 billion stars allow himself to be represented by pedophile priests numbering in the thousands and an organization that spent decades actively covering up their scandal? I don't have to explain genocide, rape, murder and all the other ugly atrocious acts committed by the God of the Old Testament. All of this makes more sense, with the supposition that god is ficticious.

More important than all of that, I no longer have to rationalize to myself or to others a God who just doesn't seem to be there. Something that's taken years of my life in prayers, thought, fears, frustrations about his will or the future, but has always been frustrating, and just out of reach to me. I've got a lot of serious problems and goals in my life, and I haven't time anymore for a God that can't or won't give me the direction I need. So its time for me to stop praying and start doing something about these things.

So, to get this off my chest, I'm going to write a series of posts explaining my new thoughts on everything pertaining to this matter. Everything from a new grounding in morality and ethics to reasons why I ultimately left it all behind. I'm not claiming I'm always right. I certainly can't know all of this for certain and I have a lot to learn, but I'm going to tell you all how I stand and how I feel about these matters if you're willing to listen. Feel free to ask any questions or if there is something you want to hear about in more detail, don't be afraid to ask...

Lingering Cold

The cold air still bites me when I wake each and every morning, pressing me back against my bed and sheets. But I'm reminded the cold will soon relent, as days stretch further into the waning evenings.

Something I Should Do...

‎"Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

From Grand Gulch Primitive Area Utah

Grand Gulch Anasazi Ruins

In the Spring of 2003, myself, my father, and our good friends of the Hanson clan, David, Eric and their respective patriarch Craig, embarked on a journey of fantastic proportions.

Grand Gulch Primitive Area lies hidden among slot canyons high on Cedar Mesa in Southeastern Utah. Above are the photographs from that time. GGPA is managed by the Bureau of Land Management to preserve the archeological ruins of the ancient Anasazi peoples who once dwelled here. One can access these canyons only by decending and hiking through the rugged canyon terrain of Utah. Once there, you can literally see dozens of ruins hidden among the coves and overhangs. Most date to approximately 800-900 years ago, pre-historic on the American Continent.

Archaelogists are still piecing together the mystery of their disappearance.

During this trip though, we had a fantastic time exploring the ruins in Grand Gulch, nearby Bluff Utah on the Comb ridge, and other places on Cedar Mesa. While the weather wasn't always the best, the company was top notch and the treasure of ruins was priceless.

If you know the names of specific artifacts and ruins, by all means go ahead and leave a comment, so that I may correctly tag and identify all of them. After seven years, my memory of specific ruins is a bit fuzzy.

Made My Day

This week I've been doing my semi-annual English Camp for Daebang Middle School. The day was dreary and rainy all morning, and having had some personal setbacks, I just didn't want to be there that day. My mind was elsewhere, on matters bothering me and the funk that has been settling in.

Feigning enthusiasm as best I could, I managed to get through the lessons for the day without infecting my students too badly with my dreariness. Then, with shoulders slumped, and feeling kind of lonely, I slowly plodded home as the rain started, shuffling and dragging my feet. Just one of those days where you feel the rain cloud is there to rain on YOUR parade specifically.

Starting across the crosswalk, I heard the high pitched, girly voice of one of my students, "Mr. Beal! Mr. Beal! How are you! Come here! Come here!"

She smiled, and jumped up and down, beckoning me to join her under her umbrella, and seemed genuinely excited to have time to talk to me personally. Her infectious smile and bursting enthusiasm at seeing me began to come over me. I could no longer resist and began smiling and joking with her, as she walked out of her way all the way back to my place (she doesn't live very far from me), making sure I didn't get wet.

It was obvious she wasn't just interested in practicing English, she genuinely liked me and I had obviously made an impression in one of my classes. She made me glad to be a teacher and content about where I was and what I was doing. All my frustrations seemed worth it for those moments with a doting pupil in the rain.

Amazing how such a small thing can lift your spirits for the day, and make your time in class meaningful again. Needless to say, I had less trouble finding the energy for classes the next day.^^

Ed Viesturs on Mistakes

A mistake is a mistake even if you get away with it. ~ Ed Viesturs

Hax with More Wisdom...

Not everything people do is a personal reflection on you. ~ Carolyn Hax

From Grand Gulch Primitive Area Utah

Career Choices

One of the things I like best about teaching in Korea are the bright, motivated students. A student who wants to learn (even if they do so for all the wrong reasons) is far better than the alternative.

But despite the overwhelming precociousness of my kids, they are still human, and they are definitely still middle schoolers and products of their times.

This morning I taught a lesson in my extra-curricular ESL conversation class. The talking point of the day was:"When you grow up..." "Want to do.../want to..." and a few related sentences and questions were the target phrases.

I think most were getting it, so before I introduce the next activity for practice, I ask one kid the question, :Do you want to be a doctor or a teacher?"

"No, I don't. I want to be a fund manager."

I couldn't help but laugh.

Honesty

‎"If honesty were actually the best policy, people would use it more often." ~ Amy Alkon

From Grand Gulch Primitive Area Utah

Seeking Love

"Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it" ~ Jalal ad-Din Muhammed Rumi

From South Korea Highlights 2010

Bummer

"Is this an outrage or a bummer? Think carefully before you settle into your choice." - Carolyn Hax

An outrage or a bummer indeed. Having mistaken one for the other, in the clumsy manner that only I could ever manage, I've taken the latter and managed to turn it into the former.

People who want details will know that there was a girl involved. There was a bummer. I got outraged. What might have been a great friendship (or more, perhaps?) slipped from my fingers. And I'm mostly to blame.

Which, is a REAL bummer.

Anger

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

From Grand Gulch Primitive Area Utah

Gold Dust

From Northern Arizona, 2003

"Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision."

~Hsi-Tang

Motorcycles R' Us

Robin and I return to the repair shop later one evening, only to find the place closed.

Our hearts sink as we pull up to the empty, locked garage bay door. I physically restrain robin from grabbing a crow bar and trying to break in. We drive back home, and Robin agrees to teach me to ride his 125cc motorcycle, his small, black, ghetto motorcycle.

The ignition doesn't work, so he teaches me to kick-start the bike. This takes some effort, but after a bruised calf muscle, I manage to get it going. I hop on back and Robin takes me to some deserted road in the foothills of Jinhae, his home and the town directly South of Changwon.

He gets off and explains the gears, which I am already somewhat familiar with.

"So how do I know if I've hit neutral if the light isn't working?"

"The light will work when the battery charges up again, but don't worry about neutral just yet."

"Now, when I go from first gear to second, how will I know if I'm in neutral or second."

"If you're not looking for neutral, you'll miss it. If you push up hard enough you'll go right past it." Don't worry about that for now."

So he explains where a few more of the controls are and off I go! I get it into first and go a whopping 30 feet without falling over. I then try to turn, but almost drop it, as motorcycles are shockingly heavy and unweildy when unpowered.

"Watch it there! Just try to go straight for now. Worry about turning later!"

"Ummmm..... OK."

I take it again in a straight line, this time with no trouble. So I start down the hill and shift into second. I'm really going now. I hear Robin yelling something but I tune him out and concentrate. There's some traffic! Oh no! Better turn around before I kill myself. I try to turn it, and attempt to control the motorcycle in a turn. Doesn't work very well and I'm going all over the place in first gear. I manage a 180 turn (barely) without falling. Only problem is, my turning radius is far too wide, and I careen into the curb on the opposite side of the street and drop it. Crash! :P

Robin comes running down the hill, his gangly 6 foot 4 inches bounding nearly as fast as second gear. "TYLER! TYLER! ARE YOU OK??!!"

His concern bemuses me slightly, as I crashed the thing at less than 10 kph, and suffer nothing but a slight bruise on a foot. He helps me pick it up and I manage to ride it back up the hill.

Once at the top, I do some loops in a circle at a very deserted intersection.

Suddenly, Robin gets hungry and declares that I have passed the first day's lessons. We head into town late that night, where he shows me his favorite restaurant.

Saturday Night Pool

오늘밤 마산에 갔어요. 제친구 최인심씨와최정은와같이 닭고기를 먹었습니다.

Despite my previous exaustion from the afternoon's crazy shenanigans, I went to Masan on Saturday night to meet some new friends. I ate spicy chicken with my new friends, Choi In-Sim and Choi Jeong-Eun. I met them both in Masan over the previous two weeks at my Wednesday night Masan Korean class. Both are excellent teachers, and generously indulged my desire to learn their native tongue, despite my poor renderings of Korean pronunciation and frequent grammatical mistakes.

We went to a billiards hall following dinner, where I won 1 out of three matches, with In-Sim winning the other 2 (She's quite talented, but I think I got very unlucky in 1 of the matches). Nevertheless, I'm obviously rusty and need to practice more! There will definitely be a rematch. :P

We concluded the evening with ice-cream cones!

Drive to Busan with Robin Gazdecki

My friend, Robin Douglas Gazdecki sold me his motorcycle on Saturday. Problem: the motorcycle is parked in the middle of Busan, which is a 2 hour drive away on weekends (45 minutes without traffic). Part of our agreement included me driving him down to Busan so that we could take it to a repair shop (where it apparently needs a new alternator).

Finally, we saw the bike, which Robin had randomly parked in front of a big casino a month earlier. Having told me that battery was dead, we were both shocked to watch the bike start up with very little trouble. So we hopped on and rode half the distance to the repair shop. Unfortunately, it started sputtering out just before we got there, and we wound up having to push it halfway to the place. Scariest part: we pushed it across this intersection between a highway offramp and a 6 lane avenue without median strips. Buses honking and dodging us. Finally we got it to the repair shop and were able to explain the problem to them.

They said it should be finished by Monday night (so that's when I'm driving down with him again. Part of our deal also included me driving him to Daegu that afternoon as well. So that's what I did after we got it to the shop. Daegu proved to be quite a distance though, so by the time I arrived back in Changwon, I was exausted (and far too sick of driving to bother going the distance to Masan to meet friends for the evening).

So, I'm not buying it until its ready, but I'm getting excited. Here's the motorcycle:

From Korean Lint

Alan Watts on Plans

"No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now."
- Alan Watts on Plans

250cc Cruiser? Well, why Not?

A friend of mine, Robin Douglas Gazdecki will leave Korea before the end of April, returning to his native Wisconsin. Consequently, he's interested in selling his motorcycles, and thought a series of increasingly desperate-looking Facebook status updates would sell his wares. He offered a choice of two different bikes to me (and anyone else who hasn't blocked him yet). And so, with less thought than I give to purchasing dish-soap, I chose the "cruiser" with the (slightly) bigger engine (which he said tops out at about 100 miles an hour).

But just so you all don't think that I've completely lost my mind, I will mention that Robin has offered to give me a few lessons on the bike before I take to the mean streets of Changwon. This will prove critical, as I haven't been on a 'real' motorcycle since I was 10 years old (and was riding with a friend of my father, Ted Duncan). I rented a 50cc scooter once in Thailand (which hardly counts), but that is about the extent of my experience. Here's my new ride.

Moreover, I think a motorcycle would prove advantageous in Korea in many ways. After driving Carlos' truck for 2-3 weeks, I find the most annoying aspect to driving in Korea to be the lack of parking. I won't really have this issue with the motorcycle. Moreover, during the frequent traffic jams that plague this city, I will be able to bypass everyone on the shoulders with all the scooters and other motorcyclists. The only disadvantages I see include rain and safety.

But I also just realized that I made a major lifestyle choice with very little thought. So I naturally felt I should perhaps learn a thing or two about motorcycles and spent a good portion of this evening reading up on the topic. On Youtube, I sifted through 20 or so videos of boneheads on crotch-rockets that didn't quite make the cut for Failblog. Then I found this very informative video and watched it about 10 times.

비음산 Hiking Bieumsan

일요일아침 우리는 비음산에 등산을 했어요. 제친구과같이 등산을했어요. 수연씨는 창원한글학당에서 만났습니다. 수연씨와같이 등산을많이 해봤습니다. 수연씨는 2명친과같이 왔습니다. '진니씨는 헬스 클럽에서 만났습니다. 재미있었어요!

Hiking again! The Korean national past-time. This particular mountain is not far from my house (and if you know where to look, one can see roughly where my house is in one of these pictures (but I won't bore you with a description).

This time, I'm hiking with Su-yeon, one of my Korean teachers, and 'Jeanny' an English interpreter/translator at GM Daewoo I met through my health club. Suyeon brought along a couple of her friends from Jinhae and we all joined in the 'Congo line' and marched up to the summit. I had mild concerns about the weather but eventually enjoyed the relative warmth (I couldn't tell if it was the dreaded Hwangsa dust from China, or just overcast weather threatening rain (the rain explained it all later on (and yes, I realize I'm using triple parentheses))).

As usual during a relatively warm weekend, the crowds were out en masse, an army of adjumas (middle aged women in trademark florescent gore-tex rain jackets and perm hairdo-friendly sun visors) were marching up before and after us. So we joined into the 'congo line' and went up with them. Unbelievable how many people.